About Me
I have been me, surely, all this time. Strong, resilient, resourceful, committed, hardworking, creative. I know I am all of this, and I’ve always been. I work hard, every day. I never slack. Even when I am resting, I am somehow on production mode, making a to-do list of admin tasks, house repairs, shores, shopping needs. Even when I am sick, I work; I turn self-care into an artform. I can turn inwards and lower my heart rate like a hibernating bear to preserve energy, without ever neglecting my duties or missing a day’s work. Even when I am demotivated, I find ways to be productive. I clean my house vigorously, for example, to clear my mind and find my inner strength. And when I face a desperate situation, gosh do I step up. I embrace proactivity, I walk, I connect with friends, I work harder, I get more creative.
There are a lot of Is in these sentences, but there aren’t a lot of Is in me. I know this now, too. I am strong, resilient, resourceful, committed, hardworking, creative. I am all of that naturally, easily, passionately, but mostly for others. Duty drives me, which is a very fine thing to say and to have as your drive. Except when you realise that you’re constantly driving on duty to avoid yourself. Where am I in me? How do I fit into the space of my own life?
The Space I Occupy
It’s where I stand, it’s the length of my legs as I stroll and run, and what lies beneath me. The ground that holds me and the air that surrounds me. The space I occupy everywhere I am and go; in my own house, too. I’m fairly small. Made so. But the space I occupy is even smaller. I shrink often. I shrink into complexed, diminutive shapes. I can hardly recognise myself when I do, and I am aware of that, but it doesn’t stop me from shrinking, and it’s not just to make space for others. Even when I am alone, I struggle to fit into my own space.
I know I can extend the length of my body and beyond. I do it when needs must; when the situation demands it. I do it all the time, but rarely to satisfy the need to burst into me. A need I know I have. A need I have seen radiate beauty and wonder and untapped experiences and opportunities, in the rare occasions I’ve tended to it. But where is it? Why can’t I always access it and prioritize it?
The space I occupy is also the distance between me and others. In my meeting with others; socially and otherwise. It’s the breathing space I give myself as I speak, the time I take to pause in conversations. I can talk. Those closest to me can attest to that. But I often talk breathlessly, rushing my words. I am infused with passion, ideas, a sense of clarity, a need to communicate an experience or realisation in a short time, or a willingness to confide or advice. But underneath, a nagging feeling signals I may be taking longer than I should. This innate feeling alerts me that other people’s times are ticking. I know theirs is as valuable as mine – I know this rationally – but deep down it’s a different story.
Why should my time count as much? This is not a rhetorical question. I can rationalise this to the moon and back. I know we’re all equally valid individuals. I also know what I am capable of, and how valuable everything about me, including my time, is. Yet the question stands. Why should my time count as much? Am I truly capable and worthy of taking my time and occupying this space if all my capabilities, skills and efforts are daily employed in the fulfilment of the goals and dreams of others? More pertinently perhaps, do I feel fully capable and worthy employing myself and living my life for the fulfilment of the goals and dreams of others?
This is not a reflection about altruism. I try to help everyone I meet in any way I can, with honesty and kindness. I may not volunteer or support bigger causes as much as I’d like to, but I am not here to expound on that. I live modestly. I raise my son, I work, I tend to our home and our lives. I care about people. I worry daily about the world. I stay informed, present and connected to support others when and how I can.
This is a reflection about me, about who I am today: a woman going through life, not unhappily or without allies, but for the most part alone, and increasingly aware that there are some vital things amiss. This is a reflection about me, a woman raised with love yet unwittingly raised to stand tall for others whilst shrinking her self. This is a reflection about me, a woman waking up to this realisation.
More to come.
